The Worst House Guests EVER

Dear Carol,

Thank you so much for hosting us this past weekend. It was so amazing to finally be able to meet you after being friends online for so many years! My husband and I were stunned when we finally arrived at the address you gave us and saw the gorgeous house. We didn’t expect you to have such good taste, much less have that kind of money! From the photos on facebook, we weren’t really expecting much from you guys at all! Why, you never once let on how well off you were! Not that it mattered to us, of course, we were just happy to have had the chance to spend a few days in your wonderful company. I swear, we haven’t laughed that hard in ages!

I wanted to apologize right off the bat (again) for the slight bit of damage that the dog caused while we were all out at the concert. I assure you, I’ve never seen my Precious behave that way before in my life. I mean, I wouldn’t even have thought it possible that one single dog could really chew through that many throw pillows in just one night, much less chew a hole through our bedroom door. I guess the odor from the toilet backing up must have really given him the edge he needed to escape the room. (Oh, on that note: please accept this gift of potpourri as my apology for Frank’s excessive… bathroom habits. I hope the smell goes away soon. I’ve found that industrial strength febreeze works well at our home. Of course we don’t have all the expensive carpeting and silk fabric in our bathrooms at home, so I’m not sure if that will work as well for you.) I would offer to pay for cleaning, but you obviously have plenty of money and as you know, Frank and I are trying to make our money last so that we can continue to travel. I know you understand.

Thank you so much for taking me out with you for your weekly girl’s night out. It was so nice to finally be in the company of women for once, after spending so much time alone with Frank during our cross country road trip. Can you please apologize to Samantha for me? I certainly did not intend to imply that her family was a bunch of uneducated redneck hillbillies. I had no clue that she was from the hills of Kentucky or I certainly wouldn’t have shared our stories of the… ‘quaint’ family we’d met there. I would have at least refrained from commenting about how I thought everyone from Kentucky should be left there behind a big fence so they didn’t contaminate the rest of us.

Oh and I did NOT realize that Margot was sensitive about her weight. You would think that after that remark I made about her food choices, she would have abstained from dessert, wouldn’t you? I was truly only trying to help her learn that sugar is of the devil and she’ll never lose weight if she keeps eating it. I’ve lost 5 pounds since I started eating paleo two months ago and I know that it’s the only way to eat if we truly want to be healthy. I truly want the best for everyone!!!

Speaking of which, perhaps it might be better if next time we’re there visiting, that Susan and Vivian don’t come along to our girls night. I don’t really have anything against lesbians, but it seems rather unfair that they got to bring their significant other to the girls night when none of the rest of us could. Plus, just think of what others must have been thinking, seeing all of us ladies together while they are there and obviously a couple, if you know what I mean. I’m just saying, it might not look right to be lumped in with them.

Also, Frank told me that I might have gotten a little overly intimate with you during the concert. I know that we chose the entertainment for the night (and I can’t thank you enough for covering the ticket price when it turned out that our credit card was declined!) I can barely control myself when I drink tequila and I just wasn’t thinking about how much being at a Justin Beiber concert would get me all turned on. I really don’t know what I was thinking. Perhaps you took it as a compliment that I kept telling you how sexy you are? Frank said he already gave you money to cover the dry cleaning for the drool and tequila I left on your blouse.

I’m somewhat embarrassed to bring it up, but I should also mention that you might want to clean out your washing machine before you use it next. Another unfortunate side effect of too much tequila and me might mean that there is a bit of excess vomit-like substance in your washer. I swear I am a civilized human and normally vomit in the toilet, but I was having the munchies and got lost when I left the pantry. Who has a house that big with no toilets near the kitchen? You should really have thought that through a little more, I mean, really. With that much house, you should have toilets near every room. Especially if you’re in the habit of getting your guests inebriated like you did with me. Oh, and it’s kind of hazy, but you might want to check the laundry baskets as well. I’m not quite sure that I actually made it all the way to the washer before the vomit really hit.

I suppose it is still my own fault for drinking too much. At any rate, the munchies hit me sometime after we got home and you guys went to bed. I didn’t want to bother you, so I just let myself into the pantry. I don’t know if you want to make a list of things I should replenish. I’m not completely sure what all I ate. It’s all settling into my memories in a haze of cake, wine, some sort of champagne, the rest of the caviar from the fridge (although to be fair, I think I left most of that in the washer before the night was through, HAHA) and that pate that I thought was so unpleasant at dinner? Well it was unbelievable with the right amount of tequila flowing through my veins! Who knew that tequila would give me more expensive taste?

Anyway, I thought I should write and thank you for such a lovely weekend. I hope we weren’t too much of an imposition and again, I apologize for Franks cigars as well. I always tell him that everyone can smell those for days, but he refuses to believe me. I sprinkled baking soda all around all the carpets to help absorb the smell throughout the house, so I hope you appreciated that.

I have enclosed a framed photo of Frank, Precious and myself for you to add to your photography wall. I know you’ll want to remember our wonderful visit as much as we do!

Oh, and I picked up some new photo frames for you from the Dollar Tree in town before we left, I paid the man working a bit extra to deliver them to you. I hope that you can find someone to repair the damage to your old family photos. I don’t even quite know how I managed to knock so many things off the wall when I wasn’t even upright! Poor Frank isn’t the beast he likes to think he is when he tries to carry my slightly inebriated self up the stairs. Maybe hanging irreplaceable heirloom photos along the staircase wasn’t the wisest choice, you know? Just a little word of advice for next time.

Thanks again for your wonderful hospitality,

You besties foreeeeeeeeever,

Gayle & Frank

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P.S. We never did quite settle on a date for our return visit. I think you said you needed to check your schedule? Frank says that next month is out, but maybe the month after that? We actually have a full two weeks available that month, so we could stay longer next time! What do you think?

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