Letter One: Stupid Human Tricks, The Tempest Papers

So we’re finally going through all of the things we’ve had sitting around from when we moved off of the boat last year. I found this stash of letters from Tempest (our boat cat) to Paris, our daughter who sailed with us for about 5 months before returning to the States.

Here is our boat anchored offshore in the Bahamas

Fair warning, this cat has a potty mouth and more than a little attitude. She was left alone on the boat with only ONE other cat, two dogs and FOUR humans to take care of. It’s no wonder she was feeling a little bit of saltiness!


Dear Paris,
I noticed this photo on your profile and decided that I would do you the honor of also using it, even though I look like an absolute dumb ass in it. I do things like this for you so that you know that I’m thinking of you and so that you don’t forget me.


that I’m thinking of you and so that you don’t forget me.
BTW, Your mom is an asshole. Yesterday she opened TWO cans of mackerel and just gave me PART of the juice. She had the nerve to cook some fucking Rice in the mackerel juice and then put it in my bowl like I should be fucking thankful. Like I don’t know the difference between rice and fish.
No, to answer your question, I didn’t eat any of it. I’m not taking second best.
I’m biding my time, but mark my words, she pulls this shit again and I’ll puke fish flavored rice on her pillow.
Also, don’t forget to send me some non-shitty food.
Your favorite,
Queen of the pets, Overlord of the floating castle, wasting away because of heartless humans who always feed me substandard meals.


Dear Paris Mae,
Hey, it’s me again. Tempest, your supposed beloved cat.
We need to have a talk. Something horrifying is afoot.
I know it’s not Tiberius’ fault. He’s a dog and therefore incredibly stupid and thus shouldn’t be held accountable for his actions (plus, who can blame him for wanting to absorb some of my incredible aura? I know I can’t) but these humans are going to have to be taken in hand.
As you can see from the photographic evidence I attached below, this cuddling situation has suddenly become an advanced case of UN-BLOODY-ACCEPTABLE. Need I say more?


I trust you will deal with this situation accordingly (and with great haste!) so that I needn’t bring such things up again.
I will accept a shipment of fresh, live mice as a token of your sincere apology. (I may not have mentioned it before, but the food situation around here is sadly lacking. Dry cat food day in and day out is simply not going to cut it for someone of my stature. I won’t bring up the rice situation again. This time.)
We are still in Georgetown, Bahamas. Be sure to address the package to me specifically so that bitch Elephant doesn’t eat it.
Trusting in you explicitly,

To be fair, the poor cat didn’t get to go to shore like the dogs and the humans to play in the sand and the water. Of course, being a cat, she would have HATED that, too!